moonoverwater

2010-01-02T06:42:00.000-08:00

every day another art

2009-12-30T04:12:00.000-08:00

A New Year's resolution,

Bound to fail?

Every day another piece of art. Or some such scratching.

If the guy from the Royal College/ Academy can do a painting a day from the news, maybe I can do a little piece of subconscious doodling.

Rules.

None.

If I can write a novel only committing to 15 minutes a day maybe I can achieve this. As this is Dec 3oth.... I am just practising.... here we go.

let myself down again

2008-08-21T10:47:00.001-07:00

Photo a day... what with uploading, etc , taking the photos? Failed miserably....

Still, did a bit more editing on my novel, and started new story. Can't be a complete disaster.
And daughter enjoying her work experience, pretending she is at Vogue, and important. She is going
to a casting tomorrow.... what fun.

Keith

2008-08-19T06:27:00.001-07:00

Bit of a cheat today's picture. It hasn't been taken by me but it is of someone I knew when I was about 23. And I have just learned that he has died at the end of last month. Heaven knows why in this school picture he is surrounded by girls, but then it seems strangely fitting. I had quite a crush on Keith- a saxophone player in a band led by a dear friend of mine. But ours was not to be a relationship. Just ships passing in the night. But I did inadvertently introduce him to his wife. He met her at one of my parties. One of those desperate occasions when you hope the light will dawn at your party that you are the girl for him, but find to your horror the light instead reveals another , and you are forced to witness the man of your dreams meet the woman he will fall in love with, and it isn't you. I am sad he has died so young. He was very talented. And no he wasn't for me. But something must have marked me in the exchanges we had. I chose another saxophone player in the end.....

2008-08-19T05:05:00.000-07:00

sorry pic didn't upload yesterday.
OUt searching for today's

2008-08-18T14:21:00.000-07:00

Daughter back. Lovely as she is , was enjoying my space and peace on my own. I do not get enough.
Thoroughly irritable today as was she. Miserable day brightened up by this sight.

2008-08-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

2008-08-16T03:53:00.000-07:00

Bad mood. Have lost a favourite denim jacket. Have a cleaning lady who manages to leave stains on carpet that nothing will remove. And daughter who has been with her dad for a week has come back and I find it hard to get back into being the person who is irritating to her in all ways. And I am irritated with her. I want to scream. I also want to be alone again, just for a little while. In a space I can breath again. Does this make me a bad mother I wonder?
Brent Cross again today. Bungies were in force. Photo of the day. The ceiling at BC.

Thursday's Photo - Dance night

2008-08-14T15:24:00.000-07:00

2008-08-14T08:51:00.000-07:00

Liked the idea of a photo a day by the man in America. Seen in the Guardian G2 yesterday.
In 1979, a young New York film student called Jamie Livingston decided to take one Polaroid image every day of his life.
Here is last night's.

2008-08-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

Cy Twombly piece

A few days ago my daughter's friend came home from being away a month. She is 17 has had ME for two years, and went away while her home has had all the rot removed from it and is being repainted with waterbased paint. She came home to a house in chaos, and paint fumes that stopped her breathing and sent her heart racing. She is now here with me and her best friend (my daughter). It is lovely to see her and frightening to see her so ill. She lies on the sofa watching DVD's with M who hasn't seen her best friend for 7 months even though she is a five minute walk away. She talks of the anger and pain of losing friends who don't call and she feels forgotten, except by my daughter who has called her every day for the last two years. This has been a terrible experience for her, she has lost so much weight due to food sensitivity which leaves her in crippling pain. She has to have oxygen three times a day. But then she chats to my daughter about dancing , and boys and I think for a short pocket of time she is interacting with another teenager and there is absolute normality back again. We love her. I really hope she will be better soon. I think her parents are now totally penniless and beside themselves with worry.

People get old....

2008-07-13T02:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it is hard not to see my parents as they were.
But I also have to face the fact that they are tired, and getting older.
My mum is frailer and there are moments when she looks her 83 years, and needs to
rest (which of course she doesn't) and my dad has to do more and more, and he gets tired. One day they won't be here and I will find that incredibly hard. I will miss the wit and charm of them. Their minds are razor sharp. They discuss world affairs with more intelligence and wisdom than people half their age- being journalists it is hard-wired into them. We have a good relationship. It has been hard won and we like each other. My friends find it unbelievable that I can spend two whole weeks with them whenever I can. They find it hard to spend more than a few hours with their parents. I think it is because my parents are so good at being on their own. They like being independent even of each other, and then coming together for meals with bits of news to share. Like birds bringing bits of nesting back to their home.

So I am lucky. Very lucky, and I know that luck runs out. And so I am mindful of every minute I can spend here and bask in their comfortable toing and froings.

cy twombly

2008-07-11T10:02:00.000-07:00

Have just seen something that has reminded me of Cy Twombly.
Why oh why do I love his work? It bypasses rational thought and his work gets straight to my heart.

My lover raises his eyes to heaven whenever I mention this. He has no idea why a set of scribbles can make me weep with joy.
But they do. He pierces my soul. I am going to get over to the Tate Modern and see him the moment I am back from my holiday.

time to go

2008-07-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

Now is the time to hit the road.
The bags are packed, the cats sorted. Tomorrow we go. We go to a place where we can walk along the beach, swim in the pool, eat fresh food, and feel for a few days time slow to the speed it should be lived at. I shall read voraciously. I shall go to the beach in the morning armed with my Guardian crossword, order a cappuccino and marvel at the sunlight on the water.
Today, I kissed my lover goodbye. I shall miss him and enjoy the exquisite pain of missing someone who is still in my life after two years. But I shall also enjoy my freedom. My chance to edit the novel and the play and spend time with my daughter. I can hardly wait.

A few sunny days does wonders

2008-05-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

I don't know who said this, I can't remember because , I am feared my brain really is shrinking.....

if you want to be happy for a few hours.... get drunk
If you want to be happy for a few months......fall in love
If you want to be happy for a few years....get married
If you want to be happy forever get a garden.

ah so true.....

Brain attack

2008-04-29T10:18:00.002-07:00

My mind is buzzing. Just had two days with therapists who want to be supervisors.

Nice to be in a group again, but also nice to be back home being ordinary and in the world of asking my
daughter what she wants for dinner.

Ordinary, normal, no big searching questions that make me feel space-y.

I notice when I am in these groups I tend to have moments when I just have to lighten up or make someone laugh by being outrageous, or the opposite of 'empathic therapist' . I want to laugh!!! Let me just be ordinary. And I also know that I am looking for fun in therapy.

It reminds me of Laing's session with a depressive client and how he spent the whole hour telling jokes outraging the client (who had laughed uproariously for the whole time) who felt Laing had not done therapy or earned his money. And Laing's view that he thought he had by providing a window where the client had had a different experience. Or something.

Now I could pick this apart. Just as it would be picked apart in a therapy group as possibly not being empathic to the client bla bla bla, but I also feel - Yes, sometimes too much empathy of the wrong sort, the formulaic sort is also not helpful. And that Laing was actually trying to do something much deeper than telling jokes, by pointing out something about the client's self importance and in his wanting to hold on to his depressive state.

Oh god. See the effect of being in a therapy group. I feel as though I have just disappeared up my own backside. I need to go back to washing the potatoes for dinner again. And changing into my pyjamas and sitting down to watch some drivel on the box. I want my head to stop peeling back layers of meaning and finding more layers of meaning. I want to hear my lover say. Isn't that just stating the bleedin obvious!!! Oh to be back to the bleedin obvious.

Brain attack

2008-04-29T10:18:00.001-07:00

supervision

2008-04-25T01:45:00.000-07:00

I am appalled to learn from a friend who is a chaplain in a hospital that she has no supervision.
She lives alone, and deals with such things as having to arrange burials for dead babies for people who don't speak english, arranging to wrap the poor 26 week old foetus and deal tenderly with the hysterical parents with the aid of an interpreter (dangerous at these times when the words you choose are so important) and then to deal with a suicide the next day. Where does she debrief? She needs to talk about these things. Luckily she opened up to me last night, because she knows I am a therapist, but she felt until then unable to call up a friend just to talk and be heard. She needs supervision. Especially as she lives alone and these things build up in the psyche and need clearing out. This sort of thing really upsets me. Do people who should know better really not understand the importance of support in these situations>

a mark

2008-04-16T10:48:00.001-07:00

Today he bit my shoulder and left a mark.
It comes after his fear about my friendship with another man.
He withdrew for a day until he realised he was being ridiculous.
I said "you are doing things in your head, don't , it is all rubbish".
And so after a few days of being jealous he comes back to me.
Love refreshed by seeing the possibility of it's ending- for he is
tied to his family and I am free, except for the fact I love him.
And so for the first time in two years he marks me at the neck.
A sign . Please don't leave. Please don't forget me.
Doesn't he know that the mark he leaves on me runs deeper than
skin deep?

Easter time or White Christmas

2008-04-07T10:50:00.000-07:00

Best we switch Christmas and Easter methinks.
The snow we had on Sunday was three or four inches thick. Looked beautiful, didn't ice up the roads, or turn to slush and was gone by the evening. Perfect. It didn't affect travel in anyway, or cause anyone injury. It provided a wonderful few hours of snowball fighting and was so well-planned it arrived on a weekend with time to enjoy it and disappeared before the adults started cursing.

First Draft nearly finished

2008-02-21T09:29:00.000-08:00

It is with great delight I report that the first draft of what I laughingly call my novel is coming to a close.
I hope I will hit the deadline of the end of the month. The finish line is in sight. Then I shall put it aside and
look at it again in a month.

I have found the finish the most difficult part. As in everything it seems. I cannot bring myself to finish with my
lover, even though it would be the sensible option. His wife is now monitoring him - has given him a contract phone
so she can keep tabs on his calls, and stays home to work, most days. I am not making this easy for anyone by staying,
but as I said before endings are difficult.My natural inclination is to give my novel a happy ending, but life isn't like
that, is it? There are messy bits, bits that don't work, people left incomplete or dissatisfied. One of my characters who has
been having an affair is realising how important his wife is to him. It's true. I think it is true in my case too. She is the
important one, I am merely a distraction. That doesn't pain me at all. It is as it should be. But in the novel, I think the turn around
is too quick. Usually men leave, then realise the horror of having changed one bad situation for another, and limping return to their wives. My character seems to be cleverer than that, and realising sooner than most men would. I have to think on this a bit more.

Also have just read a really interesting book. It's called the Raw Shark Texts by Steven Hall. Very original, and a real
page turner.

Driving at night. Drips down the window

2008-01-10T07:31:00.000-08:00

Have just managed to get up to speed. The 5000 words that I lost on the PC when I was away are now written, though not as well as they were the last time. I guess I expected that. I was writing in my stride when I was away, and the words had power and authenticity. I was feeling proud of them, at last. And then, don't they say, pride comes before a fall , and they were taken from me. The words that are in their place now are clunky and weak. But they must do until the second draft at least.

I sat and looked out the window today at the rain, and my cat sat next to me looking out of the window. The two of us, doing nothing but feeling cat like and at peace. I could not get on with anything today. I gave into it, watching the drips on the window and remembering car journeys at night lying on the back seat, listening to the drama on Radio four while my parents drove me home. What a perfect time it was.

truth or untruth

2008-01-09T03:35:00.000-08:00

Have just finished reading Essays In Love by Alain de Botton , and this Neitzche quote struck me- in the light of having an affair with a married man.

"What in us really wants truth...we ask the value of this...why not rather untruth? And uncertainty? Even ignorance?
The falseness of a judgement is not necessarily an objection to it.. the question is to what extent it is life-advancing; and our fundamental tendency is to assert that the falsest judgements.. are the most indispensable to us... that to renounce false judgements would be to renounce life, would be to deny life."

Alain de Botton links this to love, and says " Lovers should prefer the risk of being wrong and in love to being in doubt and without love."

I question whether he loves me or doesn't. Based on all the wisdom of the world he would prove love by leaving his wife, even if that is not what I actually want him to do. So perhaps he doesn't love me all that much, and does it matter? Is it life affirming for me to have this 'false' love with him or is it life-affirming to give him up. For me the answer is easy. It is life affirming. And am I so sure that the fact of his leaving his wife means something more than what we do have. Is there any easy truth in any of this, and is that important anyway.

Things to mull on.
At present he is at home, under house arrest for failing to delete my number when he last called. His lie of having to call me to stop me hassling him and giving him grief was only half believed. It will possibly be a long time before I next see him.

But still it is better having him in my life than not, even if I don't see him. I know he is there.

I am away for Christmas...

2007-12-21T02:58:00.000-08:00

I find it best to go away at holiday times- though he misses me.
Easier to be in another country surrounded by family myself (not that I don't love solitude in my own home) but it is better he is not distracted by me being round the corner. He can then be really there with his family with no exit route so easy to take.

And I am happy . I enjoy missing him. I hold that feeling in my heart. Knowing that somewhere he is loving me, yet safely in the centre of his family, and he knows I am loving him. It isn't important to be physically present with a person you love. It's a nice bonus, but I am happy with knowing he is out there.

My platonic other has found a not so platonic other. I am happy for him. He needs something more than my friendship to keep him warm. Was touched that he came to farmers market after the first night they spent together.... because he promised me he would be there. But I sent him back to bed armed with a fiver to buy croissants and coffee for his new love, and told him not to be so silly. Still it was a nice gesture. He is going to be a good friend, I can tell.

the only present I can give....

2007-12-13T09:41:00.000-08:00

.... was to buy him lunch. Nothing else that can be traced to me.

Still that is what I took on, with my eyes open.

Have not been able to concentrate on novel this week. Too much Christmas stuff to sort out. But its all done now and
hopefully I can relax about that and spend some time before we go away writing the most difficult scene in the
book. I think that is why I am dreading returning to it, still I am half way through that and still hoping to be on course for
finishing first draft in March. Only one more client till I go, so pretty relaxed till then.

...and again... another sign of love in the world

2007-12-13T09:37:00.000-08:00

2007-12-11T09:04:00.000-08:00

Now this is what I call a damn fine dancing jacket......like Cinderella's slipper I am looking for just the right man to wear it.

2007-12-11T09:02:00.000-08:00

Being Greedy again.....

2007-12-11T08:57:00.000-08:00

I have my life in two halves. Lover (married and unavailable except weekdays and lunchtimes only). And my platonic other, good dancer, available weekends and evenings. And life is sweeeetttt except that now it appears he may have found a match on match.com. I am being selfish of course. He needs a proper mate and hopefully she will not interfere with our friendship and our dancing... but who am I kidding. She is hardly likely to jump for joy when I turn up Sunday morning for my philosophical chat with croissants...is she?.....

three memorable things that happened yesterday....

2007-11-30T07:19:00.000-08:00

1. My lover made love to me. He apologised for being clingy but he is missing me already as I am going away for Christmas.
I held him tight, and miss him today, when he must be home with his family.

2. I had four compliments yesterday dancing. Three telling me that what I was wearing was lovely (It was very simple black top and silky black slacks, and a white lacy top over that I'd picked up in a charity shop). And one compliment about my dancing.

3. Someone got badly injured last night dancing. Her partner smacked her hard in the nose with his elbow. She fell to the floor and began moaning in agony. Blood everywhere. It was terrible. So disturbing. But we have such a lovely group that one of the guys and his girlfriend took her to hospital in her car and sat with her till 3am. The poor man who did it apologised profusely and gave her his number to call to let him know how she was. Our teacher overheard this and said,
"that is the worse chat up technique I've ever heard!!!" At least it ligthened the mood and got her laughing again.

heart felt

2007-11-26T09:51:00.001-08:00

......sometimes it seems as if the world is trying to tell you something....

Dips and Curves

2007-11-26T09:29:00.000-08:00

No idea why I named this entry that but my unconscious seemed to come to the fore there and I have decided to leave it as it is.
Have been on a rollercoaster of an emotional time. Firstly I experienced a sudden boredom with the man I adore. So much so that when I heard we couldn't see each other on Friday because his wife was back in town, I nearly whooped for joy. Surely something is wrong there? I remember a therapist noting once that he wondered if I entered into relationships just so that I could experience the wonderful feeling of liberation when I left them. It is the only thing I remember him saying that really seemed to jump out at me like a neon sign. Something about that is true I figure, though I don't like to admit it. I am no doubt doomed to be a very lonely old lady, it's the problem with a low boredom threshold. Anyway I had my Friday to myself and proceeded to jot down another 1000 words. Today another 1000. I am hellbent on finishing first draft by March and at the present rate I am well ahead of target. I can see the downward stretch. One major and difficult scene left, and then some tying up of some loose ends.

I have a character in my novel, who is not in much of it, no more than two or three chapters, but whose affect is to electrify the page. What I mean is she lives. She jumps out and demands attention. I wondered for several months what the point to her was. I didn't feel inclined to kill her off, or edit her out, she was too wonderful, but where oh where did she belong and why was she there at all? Well over the weekend it came to me. She is the truth teller of the story. Everyone else is sinking in wrong perspectives and she is the one who gets what is going on. I am very happy to have some answer to her existence. She has an authentic voice, and I am appreciating it.

At the weekend I saw my friend Dave. It is odd to have a lover who I see during the week days, and Dave who is a platonic friend who I seem to see when I don't see my M.M. I feel as though if I could only combine the two somehow I would have the perfect relationship. A man who desire, and a man I can talk to, really talk to about everything. Oh and one who is single would be nice. Why my life seems to split into these compartments I don't know. Anyway, I am beginnig to feel that things are about to change. Not sure how yet, I am just taking things day by day and not forcing anything. That and getting on with the novel.

Interestingly I have not been writing by hand in these last few weeks. All has been done on the computer. Not sure why this is but it seems to be going well.

breathing is fun

2007-11-15T08:08:00.000-08:00

After the chest thing turned to bad asthma attack I took myself to the hospital (nothing like Holby City unfortunately) and got nebulised. Pumped full of steroids and home to antibiotics and hopefully a return to health. Feeling very weak and tired but I am breathing. It is a wonderful thing breathing and I greatly recommend it. We take it for granted far too much. And so I beg you, whoever is out there to take a few moments to give thanks to that unbelievable art. I am going to bake it a cake tomorrow and wish it good luck and many happy returns of the day. I even slept last night whereas the night before I sat up in bed monitoring the noble breath from midnight to seven am. Unable to believe it would do it without my attending to it.

Today, the man provided lunch and a nap in front of the news, and then left me to sleep. I was just about to do that when I thought I would click on to the novel, just to see where I'd got to. And guess what. I was hooked. Just tapped out another 1000 words and good words I think.

Reading the Signs has asked me to talk more about my writing and the process. And so I will. I try to write 15 minutes a day. I figure that even if that is torture I can just about commit to that, it keeps me at the coal face and it is easier the next day to be there ready to go on with the story. If for any reason, like illness or laziness I don't do that simple thing, then the next day it is more difficult. I have come out from the mine shaft, wandered around like mere mortals having coffee and chats and lunches etc, and I am out of sorts and out of the atmosphere of this other life, the characters and things going on in my novel. My characters are incredibly forgiving of this , but they shouldn't be. But at least they are still breathing (this seems to be a theme) when I get to them . They haven't given up the ghost on me and gone limp, or worse died by my absence. Will talk more of it all later.

For now. In with the breath and out with the out breath. Joy in simple pleasures

Darkly November

2007-11-11T08:40:00.000-08:00

Hardly any energy today after this bloody cold and sore throat has returned so slept most of yesterday and today with a minor foray into local shops to find something that my daughter and I might fancy eating. She and I have been eating voraciously, not sure if out of boredom, or at the will of our anti bodies... but we need to eat!!!!
Saw briefly my darling one, who poped in yesterday, having been confined to the family home most of the last two weeks due to illlness, either his own or his families. We all share. Both our germs and our affections. Strange world.

A shift in the writing means I CAN for the first time see the novel's end. I have never wanted to impose a deadline on the novel, happy to write it forever, but having swopped chapters with a fellow writer, the urge to finish the first draft and then to chisel away at it, is strong. I hope to finish first draft by March. Let us see if that becomes a reality.

I am content with my life. I am luckier than most and am continual grateful. I find myself saying thank you even to inanimate objects. I am supremely grateful that I did not turn away from the man whose life I have entered, even though many would say I should have done. It is an odd feeling to be doing something that is 'wrong' in societies eyes, and feel in my heart how right it is. I do not want him to leave his wife, that reamains to this day, true. What I want is a few hours in the week where we can escape struggle and laugh together. Life is short.

a long way down

2007-10-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

I am trying to understand why I am so angry with what seems to be something so inconsequential.

Watching A LONG WAY DOWN the programme of Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman going through Africa on their bikes
( their last trip The Long Way Round- became something of a favourite for me and my 16 year old daughter) I was spluttering with rage when Ewan announced that his wife wanted to come along. Or at least meet up and spend 2 and a half weeks biking alongside them.

Incensed.

She can't even ride a bike it seems. And Charlie Boorman looked less than happy.

It stirred up a sort of murderous rage which seemed far too strong to be just about this poor woman's wish to see her husband and share his experience. I just wanted her to let the boys have their adventure for God's Sake. In the same way that if I was going on an adventure with a friend I would not want their partner along. It changes the whole dynamic. And as Charlie said, he would feel like a spare prick.

Immediately I had her down for a needy, jealous woman, who couldn't bear not to be a part of everything in her husband's life. Did this I wonder relate to my being the lover of a married man where there are invisible boundaries (her time and my time?) Could I be so transparent?

I don't think it is about that, but I do think I have a problem with needy clingy people- men or women and that that reflects on the fact that I never would dream of asking to be included in something so obviously nothing to do with me . Interestingly my heart and affection went out to Boorman's wife, who with a collapsed lung in hospital hated the idea of her husband postponing the trip on account of her. My sort of gal. I love people, and I love my man, but I do not want to be attached at the hip; not he to mine or me to his....

Incidentally, my dreams were wonderful. Biking round Africa myself with Ewan and Boorman...

Growing up

2007-10-09T23:30:00.000-07:00

The day begins early. My daughter no longer wakes me, I hear her singing to music as she gets ready for school. It is a delight that finally school has become a place she wants to go to, not something to be dreaded. Finally she is in sixth form, doing all the subjects she likes, with many free periods and the teachers treating her as an adult. In many ways she has longed for this time. She has been mature in some ways beyond her years, ignoring the peer pressure for alcohol , drugs and sex, and standing alone. Now she has dancing out of school and she is lit up. She has found her crowd. The crowd that range from 17-78 that like her for who she is. In other ways she is still a little girl. Cautious of going out by herself after dark or getting buses to places she doesn't know. But little by little her confidence is growing and she is becoming the wonderful woman she has been destined to inhabit. Caution is not such a bad thing. It keeps her within her own limits. But when she dances. WOW. She is something. Like a bird in flight. My little girl is growing up.

2007-10-04T07:04:00.000-07:00

Struggling on with novel. I have now gone back to the beginning so that I can edit what is now appearing as total rubbish. Anyway I need to get familar with the story again as it seems to grow legs and run in all directions. Editing will cut off some of the blighters. Once I edit to where I am then I can resume the plot which hopefully will feel more streamlined!!!
And today, after writing I shall take a well earned rest and read the novel I am reading. There are so many books I want to read at the moment, and they all get in the way of doing the work on the novel that I need to do.

party

2007-07-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

Its a party night. But in the last few days I have felt strangely depleted. Don't really want to go tonight but it's dependent on even numbers of boys and girls as its a jive party. I would feel churlish not to go with my daughter, though I am sure she also isn't in the mood being in the throes of lovesickness at present. I would love to curl up on my sofa and not venture out. Perhaps we can leave early. We shall see.

A few moments ago my lover phoned - his family had gone out for a short while and he wanted to hear about my day and what I would wear tonight. I never know ahead of time, but I know he wants to imagine me going to a party, to imagine what I will wear , as he can't be there with me. I miss him. Though sometimes I am not sure what this love is built on apart from the attraction.... and yet I feel so close to him and so enjoy his company. Still the attraction is strong, even after a year and a half. Still I don't want the routine of a partnership. Still too raw from my marriage breakup and my last relationship. I imagine I would sink into the mundane routine, and the taking each other for granted. I don't trust myself . Where I am now, I do not take him for granted. I revel in our times together, which could be gone in an instant. Either his medical condition could remove him from my life, or his family.

life is short and sweet with poignancy. And now I must go..... dreading it...

Teenagers!!!

2007-07-20T02:40:00.000-07:00

After a year of trying to persuade my 15 year old daughter to come dancing with me and do Ceroc ( mixture of Jive and Salsa) she started a few months ago. Her teeth were gritted in anger. Only this once she said (and this after saying I had tricked her into going, and she wouldn't be seen dead dancing with old wrinklies). Well fast forward four months. She is now stealing all my best dance partners, has been a demonstrator on stage with a teacher, and is being begged by him to be a taxi dancer to help the beginners. She nags incessantly about going to different venues, and would go out seven nights a week if she could, happily diving and dipping with 70 year olds as happily as with 17 year olds. HONESTLY!

Having excluded herself from her friends at school due to losing her best friend to ME last year, this is her only social interaction. I have to admit I am relieved that she has this outlet. She gains in confidence, is comfortable chatting with every age group and is so far avoiding the perils of drugs and drink which are so much a part of the lives of her peers. I have to say, apart from having to wear her down into coming that first time, I am so very proud of her. She is a great companion and a pleasure to have around. Mostly........

tagged

2007-07-19T10:01:00.000-07:00

I have been tagged by Reading the Signs

Here are the "Rules":
(Note from Signs: Please adapt or ignore as you see fit).

1. Let others know who tagged you.
2. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
3. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
4. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.

No. 4 will be difficult for me. I don't know 8 others only Reading the Signs.
But here goes.

1. I was born in New York City but have an English passport. For many reasons since 9/11 the security is such in the States that if I was to enter the US with my UK passport they would not accept it and send me to the embassy to get an American one. This fact bugs me more than I can say. The downright arrogance of the people. Now the thought that I can't go to the States is fuelling a bloody minded desperation to go.

2. I love eating peanut butter on toast with Lemon curd.

3. I have lost a good friend because I allowed myself to love a married man.

4. Some of my most fearless decisions have been made since I turned 40. They have all been made guided by intuition and they have all been decisions I stand by to this day.

5. I am a therapist. I love my work. I love the people I see. I am not sure how many clients know this about their therapists. The work is a two way thing. Healing happens both ways.

6. The book that saved my life when I was going through the process of leaving my husband, was 'Woman Who Run with the Wolves by clarissa Pinkola Estes". It is filled with wisdom.

7. I get a thrill when I am alone in my flat and can hear.... nothing. Silence and having time alone is one of the most luxurious feelings in the world.

8. I am presently working on Chapter 28 of a novel I started in 2005. I write for a minimum of 15 minutes a day. So you can see it is slow work. But I am getting there and loving where it is taking me.

Thank you Reading the Signs for tagging me......

stolen kiss

2007-07-12T03:30:00.000-07:00

He is back from a few days away with the wife.

It was lovely to see him briefly today. A stolen kiss. Then gone.

Been working well in the studio. Two commissions done and one more to go.
Life is better knowing someone you love is in it. I tried to imagine last night
what it would be like to have no one, for my home to be empty of daughter and
god daughter (who is staying for a few days) and cats and I could not imagine it.
I am surrounded by love, whether in my home, nearby, or at the end of a phone.
I am so lucky.

He wanted a hug

2007-07-02T09:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was with Dix trying to get myself sorted over the client I am seeing who is worryingly looking like she is having a breakdown. I needed to speak to someone who could help me get clear as to why she is having such a hard time at the moment and why all her anger and hurt is coming at me in the way it is. Trouble being it reminds me so much of my ex partner that I am having a bit problem really hearing her and she is feeling misunderstood. Actually we both are feeling misunderstood. In the middle of working with D my lover called. He was outside my house round the corner, and wondered how far away I was. I knew he needed to come and just have a hug, which is what he told me today, but I didn't want to just leave in the middle of the important work I was doing, so I told him I couldn't come. It is so important I don't fall into the trap of being what he needs when he needs to get away from family and forgoing my own needs.
Listening to Germain Greer on Radio Four reminded me how difficult it is for me to really remember this. My job is to be there for me first and foremost before I can give to anyone else.

In the thick of it

2007-05-19T00:06:00.000-07:00

For just under a year I have been having an affair with a married man.
This isn't something I am proud of. It isn't any place I thought I would find myself in, ever.
But now I am here and I have made a choice to love this man.

I left my husband about 6 years ago. He had an affair. I was leaving long before this came to light.
What I do know is that I had left the marriage emotionally long before and a space was created for this
new person to come in. When I left I was glad she had come in, because getting away, which is what I
needed to do so desperately, was made easier because my husband had someone else.

Yesterday, everything came out. The wife and the two grown up daughters confronted him.
He admitted it all, and told them he would never see me again. He says to me, everything will stay the same,
but he needs to be careful. Either he needs to decide he wants his family, or he needs to see what is on the
other side, because he will inevitably be found out again if he carries on seeing me. Is this some sort of
way to sabotage his marriage completely so he is thrown out and he doesn't have to choose?

Truth is I feel so much better now it is out. If he asked me to leave him so he could work at his marriage I would
gladly do so. I love this man, and if that is what he wants I would support him in it. But I can not leave him till
he tells me too. Till he makes that choice. I am just not strong enough to do that.

If he wants to leave his family then we need to find out whether we have a chance at something that is not
just made up of lovely afternoons and fantasy.

It is all in the lap of the gods. But I am happy now that everyone is facing reality. Now everyone can deal with what
is really going on, and maybe something healthy can come of this. Even if I lose him, I have finally experienced something
that gives me faith that relationship is possible for me.