Driving at night. Drips down the window

Have just managed to get up to speed. The 5000 words that I lost on the PC when I was away are now written, though not as well as they were the last time. I guess I expected that. I was writing in my stride when I was away, and the words had power and authenticity. I was feeling proud of them, at last. And then, don't they say, pride comes before a fall , and they were taken from me. The words that are in their place now are clunky and weak. But they must do until the second draft at least.

I sat and looked out the window today at the rain, and my cat sat next to me looking out of the window. The two of us, doing nothing but feeling cat like and at peace. I could not get on with anything today. I gave into it, watching the drips on the window and remembering car journeys at night lying on the back seat, listening to the drama on Radio four while my parents drove me home. What a perfect time it was.

truth or untruth

Have just finished reading Essays In Love by Alain de Botton , and this Neitzche quote struck me- in the light of having an affair with a married man.

"What in us really wants truth...we ask the value of this...why not rather untruth? And uncertainty? Even ignorance?
The falseness of a judgement is not necessarily an objection to it.. the question is to what extent it is life-advancing; and our fundamental tendency is to assert that the falsest judgements.. are the most indispensable to us... that to renounce false judgements would be to renounce life, would be to deny life."

Alain de Botton links this to love, and says " Lovers should prefer the risk of being wrong and in love to being in doubt and without love."

I question whether he loves me or doesn't. Based on all the wisdom of the world he would prove love by leaving his wife, even if that is not what I actually want him to do. So perhaps he doesn't love me all that much, and does it matter? Is it life affirming for me to have this 'false' love with him or is it life-affirming to give him up. For me the answer is easy. It is life affirming. And am I so sure that the fact of his leaving his wife means something more than what we do have. Is there any easy truth in any of this, and is that important anyway.

Things to mull on.
At present he is at home, under house arrest for failing to delete my number when he last called. His lie of having to call me to stop me hassling him and giving him grief was only half believed. It will possibly be a long time before I next see him.

But still it is better having him in my life than not, even if I don't see him. I know he is there.