I find it best to go away at holiday times- though he misses me.
Easier to be in another country surrounded by family myself (not that I don't love solitude in my own home) but it is better he is not distracted by me being round the corner. He can then be really there with his family with no exit route so easy to take.
And I am happy . I enjoy missing him. I hold that feeling in my heart. Knowing that somewhere he is loving me, yet safely in the centre of his family, and he knows I am loving him. It isn't important to be physically present with a person you love. It's a nice bonus, but I am happy with knowing he is out there.
My platonic other has found a not so platonic other. I am happy for him. He needs something more than my friendship to keep him warm. Was touched that he came to farmers market after the first night they spent together.... because he promised me he would be there. But I sent him back to bed armed with a fiver to buy croissants and coffee for his new love, and told him not to be so silly. Still it was a nice gesture. He is going to be a good friend, I can tell.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
the only present I can give....
.... was to buy him lunch. Nothing else that can be traced to me.
Still that is what I took on, with my eyes open.
Have not been able to concentrate on novel this week. Too much Christmas stuff to sort out. But its all done now and
hopefully I can relax about that and spend some time before we go away writing the most difficult scene in the
book. I think that is why I am dreading returning to it, still I am half way through that and still hoping to be on course for
finishing first draft in March. Only one more client till I go, so pretty relaxed till then.
Still that is what I took on, with my eyes open.
Have not been able to concentrate on novel this week. Too much Christmas stuff to sort out. But its all done now and
hopefully I can relax about that and spend some time before we go away writing the most difficult scene in the
book. I think that is why I am dreading returning to it, still I am half way through that and still hoping to be on course for
finishing first draft in March. Only one more client till I go, so pretty relaxed till then.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Being Greedy again.....
I have my life in two halves. Lover (married and unavailable except weekdays and lunchtimes only). And my platonic other, good dancer, available weekends and evenings. And life is sweeeetttt except that now it appears he may have found a match on match.com. I am being selfish of course. He needs a proper mate and hopefully she will not interfere with our friendship and our dancing... but who am I kidding. She is hardly likely to jump for joy when I turn up Sunday morning for my philosophical chat with croissants...is she?.....
Friday, November 30, 2007
three memorable things that happened yesterday....
1. My lover made love to me. He apologised for being clingy but he is missing me already as I am going away for Christmas.
I held him tight, and miss him today, when he must be home with his family.
2. I had four compliments yesterday dancing. Three telling me that what I was wearing was lovely (It was very simple black top and silky black slacks, and a white lacy top over that I'd picked up in a charity shop). And one compliment about my dancing.
3. Someone got badly injured last night dancing. Her partner smacked her hard in the nose with his elbow. She fell to the floor and began moaning in agony. Blood everywhere. It was terrible. So disturbing. But we have such a lovely group that one of the guys and his girlfriend took her to hospital in her car and sat with her till 3am. The poor man who did it apologised profusely and gave her his number to call to let him know how she was. Our teacher overheard this and said,
"that is the worse chat up technique I've ever heard!!!" At least it ligthened the mood and got her laughing again.
I held him tight, and miss him today, when he must be home with his family.
2. I had four compliments yesterday dancing. Three telling me that what I was wearing was lovely (It was very simple black top and silky black slacks, and a white lacy top over that I'd picked up in a charity shop). And one compliment about my dancing.
3. Someone got badly injured last night dancing. Her partner smacked her hard in the nose with his elbow. She fell to the floor and began moaning in agony. Blood everywhere. It was terrible. So disturbing. But we have such a lovely group that one of the guys and his girlfriend took her to hospital in her car and sat with her till 3am. The poor man who did it apologised profusely and gave her his number to call to let him know how she was. Our teacher overheard this and said,
"that is the worse chat up technique I've ever heard!!!" At least it ligthened the mood and got her laughing again.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Dips and Curves
No idea why I named this entry that but my unconscious seemed to come to the fore there and I have decided to leave it as it is.
Have been on a rollercoaster of an emotional time. Firstly I experienced a sudden boredom with the man I adore. So much so that when I heard we couldn't see each other on Friday because his wife was back in town, I nearly whooped for joy. Surely something is wrong there? I remember a therapist noting once that he wondered if I entered into relationships just so that I could experience the wonderful feeling of liberation when I left them. It is the only thing I remember him saying that really seemed to jump out at me like a neon sign. Something about that is true I figure, though I don't like to admit it. I am no doubt doomed to be a very lonely old lady, it's the problem with a low boredom threshold. Anyway I had my Friday to myself and proceeded to jot down another 1000 words. Today another 1000. I am hellbent on finishing first draft by March and at the present rate I am well ahead of target. I can see the downward stretch. One major and difficult scene left, and then some tying up of some loose ends.
I have a character in my novel, who is not in much of it, no more than two or three chapters, but whose affect is to electrify the page. What I mean is she lives. She jumps out and demands attention. I wondered for several months what the point to her was. I didn't feel inclined to kill her off, or edit her out, she was too wonderful, but where oh where did she belong and why was she there at all? Well over the weekend it came to me. She is the truth teller of the story. Everyone else is sinking in wrong perspectives and she is the one who gets what is going on. I am very happy to have some answer to her existence. She has an authentic voice, and I am appreciating it.
At the weekend I saw my friend Dave. It is odd to have a lover who I see during the week days, and Dave who is a platonic friend who I seem to see when I don't see my M.M. I feel as though if I could only combine the two somehow I would have the perfect relationship. A man who desire, and a man I can talk to, really talk to about everything. Oh and one who is single would be nice. Why my life seems to split into these compartments I don't know. Anyway, I am beginnig to feel that things are about to change. Not sure how yet, I am just taking things day by day and not forcing anything. That and getting on with the novel.
Interestingly I have not been writing by hand in these last few weeks. All has been done on the computer. Not sure why this is but it seems to be going well.
Have been on a rollercoaster of an emotional time. Firstly I experienced a sudden boredom with the man I adore. So much so that when I heard we couldn't see each other on Friday because his wife was back in town, I nearly whooped for joy. Surely something is wrong there? I remember a therapist noting once that he wondered if I entered into relationships just so that I could experience the wonderful feeling of liberation when I left them. It is the only thing I remember him saying that really seemed to jump out at me like a neon sign. Something about that is true I figure, though I don't like to admit it. I am no doubt doomed to be a very lonely old lady, it's the problem with a low boredom threshold. Anyway I had my Friday to myself and proceeded to jot down another 1000 words. Today another 1000. I am hellbent on finishing first draft by March and at the present rate I am well ahead of target. I can see the downward stretch. One major and difficult scene left, and then some tying up of some loose ends.
I have a character in my novel, who is not in much of it, no more than two or three chapters, but whose affect is to electrify the page. What I mean is she lives. She jumps out and demands attention. I wondered for several months what the point to her was. I didn't feel inclined to kill her off, or edit her out, she was too wonderful, but where oh where did she belong and why was she there at all? Well over the weekend it came to me. She is the truth teller of the story. Everyone else is sinking in wrong perspectives and she is the one who gets what is going on. I am very happy to have some answer to her existence. She has an authentic voice, and I am appreciating it.
At the weekend I saw my friend Dave. It is odd to have a lover who I see during the week days, and Dave who is a platonic friend who I seem to see when I don't see my M.M. I feel as though if I could only combine the two somehow I would have the perfect relationship. A man who desire, and a man I can talk to, really talk to about everything. Oh and one who is single would be nice. Why my life seems to split into these compartments I don't know. Anyway, I am beginnig to feel that things are about to change. Not sure how yet, I am just taking things day by day and not forcing anything. That and getting on with the novel.
Interestingly I have not been writing by hand in these last few weeks. All has been done on the computer. Not sure why this is but it seems to be going well.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
breathing is fun
After the chest thing turned to bad asthma attack I took myself to the hospital (nothing like Holby City unfortunately) and got nebulised. Pumped full of steroids and home to antibiotics and hopefully a return to health. Feeling very weak and tired but I am breathing. It is a wonderful thing breathing and I greatly recommend it. We take it for granted far too much. And so I beg you, whoever is out there to take a few moments to give thanks to that unbelievable art. I am going to bake it a cake tomorrow and wish it good luck and many happy returns of the day. I even slept last night whereas the night before I sat up in bed monitoring the noble breath from midnight to seven am. Unable to believe it would do it without my attending to it.
Today, the man provided lunch and a nap in front of the news, and then left me to sleep. I was just about to do that when I thought I would click on to the novel, just to see where I'd got to. And guess what. I was hooked. Just tapped out another 1000 words and good words I think.
Reading the Signs has asked me to talk more about my writing and the process. And so I will. I try to write 15 minutes a day. I figure that even if that is torture I can just about commit to that, it keeps me at the coal face and it is easier the next day to be there ready to go on with the story. If for any reason, like illness or laziness I don't do that simple thing, then the next day it is more difficult. I have come out from the mine shaft, wandered around like mere mortals having coffee and chats and lunches etc, and I am out of sorts and out of the atmosphere of this other life, the characters and things going on in my novel. My characters are incredibly forgiving of this , but they shouldn't be. But at least they are still breathing (this seems to be a theme) when I get to them . They haven't given up the ghost on me and gone limp, or worse died by my absence. Will talk more of it all later.
For now. In with the breath and out with the out breath. Joy in simple pleasures
Today, the man provided lunch and a nap in front of the news, and then left me to sleep. I was just about to do that when I thought I would click on to the novel, just to see where I'd got to. And guess what. I was hooked. Just tapped out another 1000 words and good words I think.
Reading the Signs has asked me to talk more about my writing and the process. And so I will. I try to write 15 minutes a day. I figure that even if that is torture I can just about commit to that, it keeps me at the coal face and it is easier the next day to be there ready to go on with the story. If for any reason, like illness or laziness I don't do that simple thing, then the next day it is more difficult. I have come out from the mine shaft, wandered around like mere mortals having coffee and chats and lunches etc, and I am out of sorts and out of the atmosphere of this other life, the characters and things going on in my novel. My characters are incredibly forgiving of this , but they shouldn't be. But at least they are still breathing (this seems to be a theme) when I get to them . They haven't given up the ghost on me and gone limp, or worse died by my absence. Will talk more of it all later.
For now. In with the breath and out with the out breath. Joy in simple pleasures
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Darkly November
Hardly any energy today after this bloody cold and sore throat has returned so slept most of yesterday and today with a minor foray into local shops to find something that my daughter and I might fancy eating. She and I have been eating voraciously, not sure if out of boredom, or at the will of our anti bodies... but we need to eat!!!!
Saw briefly my darling one, who poped in yesterday, having been confined to the family home most of the last two weeks due to illlness, either his own or his families. We all share. Both our germs and our affections. Strange world.
A shift in the writing means I CAN for the first time see the novel's end. I have never wanted to impose a deadline on the novel, happy to write it forever, but having swopped chapters with a fellow writer, the urge to finish the first draft and then to chisel away at it, is strong. I hope to finish first draft by March. Let us see if that becomes a reality.
I am content with my life. I am luckier than most and am continual grateful. I find myself saying thank you even to inanimate objects. I am supremely grateful that I did not turn away from the man whose life I have entered, even though many would say I should have done. It is an odd feeling to be doing something that is 'wrong' in societies eyes, and feel in my heart how right it is. I do not want him to leave his wife, that reamains to this day, true. What I want is a few hours in the week where we can escape struggle and laugh together. Life is short.
Saw briefly my darling one, who poped in yesterday, having been confined to the family home most of the last two weeks due to illlness, either his own or his families. We all share. Both our germs and our affections. Strange world.
A shift in the writing means I CAN for the first time see the novel's end. I have never wanted to impose a deadline on the novel, happy to write it forever, but having swopped chapters with a fellow writer, the urge to finish the first draft and then to chisel away at it, is strong. I hope to finish first draft by March. Let us see if that becomes a reality.
I am content with my life. I am luckier than most and am continual grateful. I find myself saying thank you even to inanimate objects. I am supremely grateful that I did not turn away from the man whose life I have entered, even though many would say I should have done. It is an odd feeling to be doing something that is 'wrong' in societies eyes, and feel in my heart how right it is. I do not want him to leave his wife, that reamains to this day, true. What I want is a few hours in the week where we can escape struggle and laugh together. Life is short.
Monday, October 29, 2007
a long way down
I am trying to understand why I am so angry with what seems to be something so inconsequential.
Watching A LONG WAY DOWN the programme of Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman going through Africa on their bikes
( their last trip The Long Way Round- became something of a favourite for me and my 16 year old daughter) I was spluttering with rage when Ewan announced that his wife wanted to come along. Or at least meet up and spend 2 and a half weeks biking alongside them.
Incensed.
She can't even ride a bike it seems. And Charlie Boorman looked less than happy.
It stirred up a sort of murderous rage which seemed far too strong to be just about this poor woman's wish to see her husband and share his experience. I just wanted her to let the boys have their adventure for God's Sake. In the same way that if I was going on an adventure with a friend I would not want their partner along. It changes the whole dynamic. And as Charlie said, he would feel like a spare prick.
Immediately I had her down for a needy, jealous woman, who couldn't bear not to be a part of everything in her husband's life. Did this I wonder relate to my being the lover of a married man where there are invisible boundaries (her time and my time?) Could I be so transparent?
I don't think it is about that, but I do think I have a problem with needy clingy people- men or women and that that reflects on the fact that I never would dream of asking to be included in something so obviously nothing to do with me . Interestingly my heart and affection went out to Boorman's wife, who with a collapsed lung in hospital hated the idea of her husband postponing the trip on account of her. My sort of gal. I love people, and I love my man, but I do not want to be attached at the hip; not he to mine or me to his....
Incidentally, my dreams were wonderful. Biking round Africa myself with Ewan and Boorman...
Watching A LONG WAY DOWN the programme of Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman going through Africa on their bikes
( their last trip The Long Way Round- became something of a favourite for me and my 16 year old daughter) I was spluttering with rage when Ewan announced that his wife wanted to come along. Or at least meet up and spend 2 and a half weeks biking alongside them.
Incensed.
She can't even ride a bike it seems. And Charlie Boorman looked less than happy.
It stirred up a sort of murderous rage which seemed far too strong to be just about this poor woman's wish to see her husband and share his experience. I just wanted her to let the boys have their adventure for God's Sake. In the same way that if I was going on an adventure with a friend I would not want their partner along. It changes the whole dynamic. And as Charlie said, he would feel like a spare prick.
Immediately I had her down for a needy, jealous woman, who couldn't bear not to be a part of everything in her husband's life. Did this I wonder relate to my being the lover of a married man where there are invisible boundaries (her time and my time?) Could I be so transparent?
I don't think it is about that, but I do think I have a problem with needy clingy people- men or women and that that reflects on the fact that I never would dream of asking to be included in something so obviously nothing to do with me . Interestingly my heart and affection went out to Boorman's wife, who with a collapsed lung in hospital hated the idea of her husband postponing the trip on account of her. My sort of gal. I love people, and I love my man, but I do not want to be attached at the hip; not he to mine or me to his....
Incidentally, my dreams were wonderful. Biking round Africa myself with Ewan and Boorman...
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Growing up
The day begins early. My daughter no longer wakes me, I hear her singing to music as she gets ready for school. It is a delight that finally school has become a place she wants to go to, not something to be dreaded. Finally she is in sixth form, doing all the subjects she likes, with many free periods and the teachers treating her as an adult. In many ways she has longed for this time. She has been mature in some ways beyond her years, ignoring the peer pressure for alcohol , drugs and sex, and standing alone. Now she has dancing out of school and she is lit up. She has found her crowd. The crowd that range from 17-78 that like her for who she is. In other ways she is still a little girl. Cautious of going out by herself after dark or getting buses to places she doesn't know. But little by little her confidence is growing and she is becoming the wonderful woman she has been destined to inhabit. Caution is not such a bad thing. It keeps her within her own limits. But when she dances. WOW. She is something. Like a bird in flight. My little girl is growing up.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Struggling on with novel. I have now gone back to the beginning so that I can edit what is now appearing as total rubbish. Anyway I need to get familar with the story again as it seems to grow legs and run in all directions. Editing will cut off some of the blighters. Once I edit to where I am then I can resume the plot which hopefully will feel more streamlined!!!
And today, after writing I shall take a well earned rest and read the novel I am reading. There are so many books I want to read at the moment, and they all get in the way of doing the work on the novel that I need to do.
And today, after writing I shall take a well earned rest and read the novel I am reading. There are so many books I want to read at the moment, and they all get in the way of doing the work on the novel that I need to do.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
party
Its a party night. But in the last few days I have felt strangely depleted. Don't really want to go tonight but it's dependent on even numbers of boys and girls as its a jive party. I would feel churlish not to go with my daughter, though I am sure she also isn't in the mood being in the throes of lovesickness at present. I would love to curl up on my sofa and not venture out. Perhaps we can leave early. We shall see.
A few moments ago my lover phoned - his family had gone out for a short while and he wanted to hear about my day and what I would wear tonight. I never know ahead of time, but I know he wants to imagine me going to a party, to imagine what I will wear , as he can't be there with me. I miss him. Though sometimes I am not sure what this love is built on apart from the attraction.... and yet I feel so close to him and so enjoy his company. Still the attraction is strong, even after a year and a half. Still I don't want the routine of a partnership. Still too raw from my marriage breakup and my last relationship. I imagine I would sink into the mundane routine, and the taking each other for granted. I don't trust myself . Where I am now, I do not take him for granted. I revel in our times together, which could be gone in an instant. Either his medical condition could remove him from my life, or his family.
life is short and sweet with poignancy. And now I must go..... dreading it...
A few moments ago my lover phoned - his family had gone out for a short while and he wanted to hear about my day and what I would wear tonight. I never know ahead of time, but I know he wants to imagine me going to a party, to imagine what I will wear , as he can't be there with me. I miss him. Though sometimes I am not sure what this love is built on apart from the attraction.... and yet I feel so close to him and so enjoy his company. Still the attraction is strong, even after a year and a half. Still I don't want the routine of a partnership. Still too raw from my marriage breakup and my last relationship. I imagine I would sink into the mundane routine, and the taking each other for granted. I don't trust myself . Where I am now, I do not take him for granted. I revel in our times together, which could be gone in an instant. Either his medical condition could remove him from my life, or his family.
life is short and sweet with poignancy. And now I must go..... dreading it...
Friday, July 20, 2007
Teenagers!!!
After a year of trying to persuade my 15 year old daughter to come dancing with me and do Ceroc ( mixture of Jive and Salsa) she started a few months ago. Her teeth were gritted in anger. Only this once she said (and this after saying I had tricked her into going, and she wouldn't be seen dead dancing with old wrinklies). Well fast forward four months. She is now stealing all my best dance partners, has been a demonstrator on stage with a teacher, and is being begged by him to be a taxi dancer to help the beginners. She nags incessantly about going to different venues, and would go out seven nights a week if she could, happily diving and dipping with 70 year olds as happily as with 17 year olds. HONESTLY!
Having excluded herself from her friends at school due to losing her best friend to ME last year, this is her only social interaction. I have to admit I am relieved that she has this outlet. She gains in confidence, is comfortable chatting with every age group and is so far avoiding the perils of drugs and drink which are so much a part of the lives of her peers. I have to say, apart from having to wear her down into coming that first time, I am so very proud of her. She is a great companion and a pleasure to have around. Mostly........
Having excluded herself from her friends at school due to losing her best friend to ME last year, this is her only social interaction. I have to admit I am relieved that she has this outlet. She gains in confidence, is comfortable chatting with every age group and is so far avoiding the perils of drugs and drink which are so much a part of the lives of her peers. I have to say, apart from having to wear her down into coming that first time, I am so very proud of her. She is a great companion and a pleasure to have around. Mostly........
Thursday, July 19, 2007
tagged
I have been tagged by Reading the Signs
Here are the "Rules":
(Note from Signs: Please adapt or ignore as you see fit).
1. Let others know who tagged you.
2. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
3. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
4. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.
No. 4 will be difficult for me. I don't know 8 others only Reading the Signs.
But here goes.
1. I was born in New York City but have an English passport. For many reasons since 9/11 the security is such in the States that if I was to enter the US with my UK passport they would not accept it and send me to the embassy to get an American one. This fact bugs me more than I can say. The downright arrogance of the people. Now the thought that I can't go to the States is fuelling a bloody minded desperation to go.
2. I love eating peanut butter on toast with Lemon curd.
3. I have lost a good friend because I allowed myself to love a married man.
4. Some of my most fearless decisions have been made since I turned 40. They have all been made guided by intuition and they have all been decisions I stand by to this day.
5. I am a therapist. I love my work. I love the people I see. I am not sure how many clients know this about their therapists. The work is a two way thing. Healing happens both ways.
6. The book that saved my life when I was going through the process of leaving my husband, was 'Woman Who Run with the Wolves by clarissa Pinkola Estes". It is filled with wisdom.
7. I get a thrill when I am alone in my flat and can hear.... nothing. Silence and having time alone is one of the most luxurious feelings in the world.
8. I am presently working on Chapter 28 of a novel I started in 2005. I write for a minimum of 15 minutes a day. So you can see it is slow work. But I am getting there and loving where it is taking me.
Thank you Reading the Signs for tagging me......
Here are the "Rules":
(Note from Signs: Please adapt or ignore as you see fit).
1. Let others know who tagged you.
2. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
3. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
4. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.
No. 4 will be difficult for me. I don't know 8 others only Reading the Signs.
But here goes.
1. I was born in New York City but have an English passport. For many reasons since 9/11 the security is such in the States that if I was to enter the US with my UK passport they would not accept it and send me to the embassy to get an American one. This fact bugs me more than I can say. The downright arrogance of the people. Now the thought that I can't go to the States is fuelling a bloody minded desperation to go.
2. I love eating peanut butter on toast with Lemon curd.
3. I have lost a good friend because I allowed myself to love a married man.
4. Some of my most fearless decisions have been made since I turned 40. They have all been made guided by intuition and they have all been decisions I stand by to this day.
5. I am a therapist. I love my work. I love the people I see. I am not sure how many clients know this about their therapists. The work is a two way thing. Healing happens both ways.
6. The book that saved my life when I was going through the process of leaving my husband, was 'Woman Who Run with the Wolves by clarissa Pinkola Estes". It is filled with wisdom.
7. I get a thrill when I am alone in my flat and can hear.... nothing. Silence and having time alone is one of the most luxurious feelings in the world.
8. I am presently working on Chapter 28 of a novel I started in 2005. I write for a minimum of 15 minutes a day. So you can see it is slow work. But I am getting there and loving where it is taking me.
Thank you Reading the Signs for tagging me......
Thursday, July 12, 2007
stolen kiss
He is back from a few days away with the wife.
It was lovely to see him briefly today. A stolen kiss. Then gone.
Been working well in the studio. Two commissions done and one more to go.
Life is better knowing someone you love is in it. I tried to imagine last night
what it would be like to have no one, for my home to be empty of daughter and
god daughter (who is staying for a few days) and cats and I could not imagine it.
I am surrounded by love, whether in my home, nearby, or at the end of a phone.
I am so lucky.
It was lovely to see him briefly today. A stolen kiss. Then gone.
Been working well in the studio. Two commissions done and one more to go.
Life is better knowing someone you love is in it. I tried to imagine last night
what it would be like to have no one, for my home to be empty of daughter and
god daughter (who is staying for a few days) and cats and I could not imagine it.
I am surrounded by love, whether in my home, nearby, or at the end of a phone.
I am so lucky.
Monday, July 2, 2007
He wanted a hug
Yesterday I was with Dix trying to get myself sorted over the client I am seeing who is worryingly looking like she is having a breakdown. I needed to speak to someone who could help me get clear as to why she is having such a hard time at the moment and why all her anger and hurt is coming at me in the way it is. Trouble being it reminds me so much of my ex partner that I am having a bit problem really hearing her and she is feeling misunderstood. Actually we both are feeling misunderstood. In the middle of working with D my lover called. He was outside my house round the corner, and wondered how far away I was. I knew he needed to come and just have a hug, which is what he told me today, but I didn't want to just leave in the middle of the important work I was doing, so I told him I couldn't come. It is so important I don't fall into the trap of being what he needs when he needs to get away from family and forgoing my own needs.
Listening to Germain Greer on Radio Four reminded me how difficult it is for me to really remember this. My job is to be there for me first and foremost before I can give to anyone else.
Listening to Germain Greer on Radio Four reminded me how difficult it is for me to really remember this. My job is to be there for me first and foremost before I can give to anyone else.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
In the thick of it
For just under a year I have been having an affair with a married man.
This isn't something I am proud of. It isn't any place I thought I would find myself in, ever.
But now I am here and I have made a choice to love this man.
I left my husband about 6 years ago. He had an affair. I was leaving long before this came to light.
What I do know is that I had left the marriage emotionally long before and a space was created for this
new person to come in. When I left I was glad she had come in, because getting away, which is what I
needed to do so desperately, was made easier because my husband had someone else.
Yesterday, everything came out. The wife and the two grown up daughters confronted him.
He admitted it all, and told them he would never see me again. He says to me, everything will stay the same,
but he needs to be careful. Either he needs to decide he wants his family, or he needs to see what is on the
other side, because he will inevitably be found out again if he carries on seeing me. Is this some sort of
way to sabotage his marriage completely so he is thrown out and he doesn't have to choose?
Truth is I feel so much better now it is out. If he asked me to leave him so he could work at his marriage I would
gladly do so. I love this man, and if that is what he wants I would support him in it. But I can not leave him till
he tells me too. Till he makes that choice. I am just not strong enough to do that.
If he wants to leave his family then we need to find out whether we have a chance at something that is not
just made up of lovely afternoons and fantasy.
It is all in the lap of the gods. But I am happy now that everyone is facing reality. Now everyone can deal with what
is really going on, and maybe something healthy can come of this. Even if I lose him, I have finally experienced something
that gives me faith that relationship is possible for me.
This isn't something I am proud of. It isn't any place I thought I would find myself in, ever.
But now I am here and I have made a choice to love this man.
I left my husband about 6 years ago. He had an affair. I was leaving long before this came to light.
What I do know is that I had left the marriage emotionally long before and a space was created for this
new person to come in. When I left I was glad she had come in, because getting away, which is what I
needed to do so desperately, was made easier because my husband had someone else.
Yesterday, everything came out. The wife and the two grown up daughters confronted him.
He admitted it all, and told them he would never see me again. He says to me, everything will stay the same,
but he needs to be careful. Either he needs to decide he wants his family, or he needs to see what is on the
other side, because he will inevitably be found out again if he carries on seeing me. Is this some sort of
way to sabotage his marriage completely so he is thrown out and he doesn't have to choose?
Truth is I feel so much better now it is out. If he asked me to leave him so he could work at his marriage I would
gladly do so. I love this man, and if that is what he wants I would support him in it. But I can not leave him till
he tells me too. Till he makes that choice. I am just not strong enough to do that.
If he wants to leave his family then we need to find out whether we have a chance at something that is not
just made up of lovely afternoons and fantasy.
It is all in the lap of the gods. But I am happy now that everyone is facing reality. Now everyone can deal with what
is really going on, and maybe something healthy can come of this. Even if I lose him, I have finally experienced something
that gives me faith that relationship is possible for me.
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