Its a party night. But in the last few days I have felt strangely depleted. Don't really want to go tonight but it's dependent on even numbers of boys and girls as its a jive party. I would feel churlish not to go with my daughter, though I am sure she also isn't in the mood being in the throes of lovesickness at present. I would love to curl up on my sofa and not venture out. Perhaps we can leave early. We shall see.
A few moments ago my lover phoned - his family had gone out for a short while and he wanted to hear about my day and what I would wear tonight. I never know ahead of time, but I know he wants to imagine me going to a party, to imagine what I will wear , as he can't be there with me. I miss him. Though sometimes I am not sure what this love is built on apart from the attraction.... and yet I feel so close to him and so enjoy his company. Still the attraction is strong, even after a year and a half. Still I don't want the routine of a partnership. Still too raw from my marriage breakup and my last relationship. I imagine I would sink into the mundane routine, and the taking each other for granted. I don't trust myself . Where I am now, I do not take him for granted. I revel in our times together, which could be gone in an instant. Either his medical condition could remove him from my life, or his family.
life is short and sweet with poignancy. And now I must go..... dreading it...
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Teenagers!!!
After a year of trying to persuade my 15 year old daughter to come dancing with me and do Ceroc ( mixture of Jive and Salsa) she started a few months ago. Her teeth were gritted in anger. Only this once she said (and this after saying I had tricked her into going, and she wouldn't be seen dead dancing with old wrinklies). Well fast forward four months. She is now stealing all my best dance partners, has been a demonstrator on stage with a teacher, and is being begged by him to be a taxi dancer to help the beginners. She nags incessantly about going to different venues, and would go out seven nights a week if she could, happily diving and dipping with 70 year olds as happily as with 17 year olds. HONESTLY!
Having excluded herself from her friends at school due to losing her best friend to ME last year, this is her only social interaction. I have to admit I am relieved that she has this outlet. She gains in confidence, is comfortable chatting with every age group and is so far avoiding the perils of drugs and drink which are so much a part of the lives of her peers. I have to say, apart from having to wear her down into coming that first time, I am so very proud of her. She is a great companion and a pleasure to have around. Mostly........
Having excluded herself from her friends at school due to losing her best friend to ME last year, this is her only social interaction. I have to admit I am relieved that she has this outlet. She gains in confidence, is comfortable chatting with every age group and is so far avoiding the perils of drugs and drink which are so much a part of the lives of her peers. I have to say, apart from having to wear her down into coming that first time, I am so very proud of her. She is a great companion and a pleasure to have around. Mostly........
Thursday, July 19, 2007
tagged
I have been tagged by Reading the Signs
Here are the "Rules":
(Note from Signs: Please adapt or ignore as you see fit).
1. Let others know who tagged you.
2. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
3. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
4. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.
No. 4 will be difficult for me. I don't know 8 others only Reading the Signs.
But here goes.
1. I was born in New York City but have an English passport. For many reasons since 9/11 the security is such in the States that if I was to enter the US with my UK passport they would not accept it and send me to the embassy to get an American one. This fact bugs me more than I can say. The downright arrogance of the people. Now the thought that I can't go to the States is fuelling a bloody minded desperation to go.
2. I love eating peanut butter on toast with Lemon curd.
3. I have lost a good friend because I allowed myself to love a married man.
4. Some of my most fearless decisions have been made since I turned 40. They have all been made guided by intuition and they have all been decisions I stand by to this day.
5. I am a therapist. I love my work. I love the people I see. I am not sure how many clients know this about their therapists. The work is a two way thing. Healing happens both ways.
6. The book that saved my life when I was going through the process of leaving my husband, was 'Woman Who Run with the Wolves by clarissa Pinkola Estes". It is filled with wisdom.
7. I get a thrill when I am alone in my flat and can hear.... nothing. Silence and having time alone is one of the most luxurious feelings in the world.
8. I am presently working on Chapter 28 of a novel I started in 2005. I write for a minimum of 15 minutes a day. So you can see it is slow work. But I am getting there and loving where it is taking me.
Thank you Reading the Signs for tagging me......
Here are the "Rules":
(Note from Signs: Please adapt or ignore as you see fit).
1. Let others know who tagged you.
2. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
3. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
4. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.
No. 4 will be difficult for me. I don't know 8 others only Reading the Signs.
But here goes.
1. I was born in New York City but have an English passport. For many reasons since 9/11 the security is such in the States that if I was to enter the US with my UK passport they would not accept it and send me to the embassy to get an American one. This fact bugs me more than I can say. The downright arrogance of the people. Now the thought that I can't go to the States is fuelling a bloody minded desperation to go.
2. I love eating peanut butter on toast with Lemon curd.
3. I have lost a good friend because I allowed myself to love a married man.
4. Some of my most fearless decisions have been made since I turned 40. They have all been made guided by intuition and they have all been decisions I stand by to this day.
5. I am a therapist. I love my work. I love the people I see. I am not sure how many clients know this about their therapists. The work is a two way thing. Healing happens both ways.
6. The book that saved my life when I was going through the process of leaving my husband, was 'Woman Who Run with the Wolves by clarissa Pinkola Estes". It is filled with wisdom.
7. I get a thrill when I am alone in my flat and can hear.... nothing. Silence and having time alone is one of the most luxurious feelings in the world.
8. I am presently working on Chapter 28 of a novel I started in 2005. I write for a minimum of 15 minutes a day. So you can see it is slow work. But I am getting there and loving where it is taking me.
Thank you Reading the Signs for tagging me......
Thursday, July 12, 2007
stolen kiss
He is back from a few days away with the wife.
It was lovely to see him briefly today. A stolen kiss. Then gone.
Been working well in the studio. Two commissions done and one more to go.
Life is better knowing someone you love is in it. I tried to imagine last night
what it would be like to have no one, for my home to be empty of daughter and
god daughter (who is staying for a few days) and cats and I could not imagine it.
I am surrounded by love, whether in my home, nearby, or at the end of a phone.
I am so lucky.
It was lovely to see him briefly today. A stolen kiss. Then gone.
Been working well in the studio. Two commissions done and one more to go.
Life is better knowing someone you love is in it. I tried to imagine last night
what it would be like to have no one, for my home to be empty of daughter and
god daughter (who is staying for a few days) and cats and I could not imagine it.
I am surrounded by love, whether in my home, nearby, or at the end of a phone.
I am so lucky.
Monday, July 2, 2007
He wanted a hug
Yesterday I was with Dix trying to get myself sorted over the client I am seeing who is worryingly looking like she is having a breakdown. I needed to speak to someone who could help me get clear as to why she is having such a hard time at the moment and why all her anger and hurt is coming at me in the way it is. Trouble being it reminds me so much of my ex partner that I am having a bit problem really hearing her and she is feeling misunderstood. Actually we both are feeling misunderstood. In the middle of working with D my lover called. He was outside my house round the corner, and wondered how far away I was. I knew he needed to come and just have a hug, which is what he told me today, but I didn't want to just leave in the middle of the important work I was doing, so I told him I couldn't come. It is so important I don't fall into the trap of being what he needs when he needs to get away from family and forgoing my own needs.
Listening to Germain Greer on Radio Four reminded me how difficult it is for me to really remember this. My job is to be there for me first and foremost before I can give to anyone else.
Listening to Germain Greer on Radio Four reminded me how difficult it is for me to really remember this. My job is to be there for me first and foremost before I can give to anyone else.
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