party

Its a party night. But in the last few days I have felt strangely depleted. Don't really want to go tonight but it's dependent on even numbers of boys and girls as its a jive party. I would feel churlish not to go with my daughter, though I am sure she also isn't in the mood being in the throes of lovesickness at present. I would love to curl up on my sofa and not venture out. Perhaps we can leave early. We shall see.

A few moments ago my lover phoned - his family had gone out for a short while and he wanted to hear about my day and what I would wear tonight. I never know ahead of time, but I know he wants to imagine me going to a party, to imagine what I will wear , as he can't be there with me. I miss him. Though sometimes I am not sure what this love is built on apart from the attraction.... and yet I feel so close to him and so enjoy his company. Still the attraction is strong, even after a year and a half. Still I don't want the routine of a partnership. Still too raw from my marriage breakup and my last relationship. I imagine I would sink into the mundane routine, and the taking each other for granted. I don't trust myself . Where I am now, I do not take him for granted. I revel in our times together, which could be gone in an instant. Either his medical condition could remove him from my life, or his family.

life is short and sweet with poignancy. And now I must go..... dreading it...